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Men vs. Women at ATM
Men vs. Women at ATM... 2011-03-10 19:18:52

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.

*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

*******************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:
(What is really funny is that most of this part is the truth!!!!)

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.�
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH, AND TO THE LADIES who can handle it.... And they need a laugh, too!

Remember! A lady sent it to me. She was laughing, too.



     
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Parking Tickets 2011-03-02 18:47:55

The other day I went downtown to run a few errands. I went into the
 local coffee shop for a snack. I was only there for about 5 minutes. 
 
When I came out, there was this cop writing out a parking ticket. I said
 to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?' He
 ignored me and continued writing the ticket. 
 
His insensitivity annoyed me, so I called him a 'Nazi.' He glared at me
 and then wrote out another ticket for having worn tires. 
 
So I proceeded to call him a 'doughnut eating Gestapo.'

 He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the
 first. Then he wrote a third ticket when I called him a moron in blue.
 
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I talked back to him the
 more tickets he wrote. 
 
Personally, I didn't really care. I came downtown on the bus! The car
 that he was putting the tickets on had one of those bumper stickers that
 said, 'McCain in '08'. 
 
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. The doctor
 tells me that it's really important to my health.


 

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Ultimate Fail Compilation
Ha Ha!
Too Funny!!! 2011-03-02 18:57:16
  Baked Beans - This is hilarious!

(This one is much too cute not to share. Enjoy!)

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it
became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme
sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the
way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called
my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to
walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor
of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to
walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the
time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I
knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All
the way home, I made sure that I released ALL the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and
exclaimed delightedly: 'Darling I have a surprise for dinner
tonight!'

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner
table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my
blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to
touch the blindfold until he returned and went
to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and
the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband
was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my
weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but
it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in
front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and
fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more.
The stink was worse than cooked cabbage!!!

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the
other room, I went on like this for another few minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone
farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned
the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap
and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and
pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my
husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me
if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I
had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner
guests seated around the table chorused: 'Happy Birthday!'

I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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