First Posted: 12/29/2008 11:16:55 AM | Last Updated: 12/29/2008 11:24:55 AM
Seasons’ Greetings, Cat-People! Sure! It’s still a festive time of year, with the New Year approaching. And is it too late to shop, and thereby save the economy? No! It’s never too late to shop. And you can take that to the bank. (If the bank is still open, that is.)
Some folks still not happy with City Council’s bait-and-switch approach to the annual budget. The last-second add-ons. Were the shenanigans really necessary? Absolutely! Pet projects are what politics is all about, at every level. What you have to try to keep in mind is this: Don’t get a parking ticket.
Some say the day of the newspaper is coming to an end. And, like most final stages, it isn’t pretty. A kind of shriveling. And they would hold up The Daily Semi-Borgman as Exhibit A. And it’s true, The Semi-B is “The Sorriest Newspaper in America.” It earned that title, and it defends it, modestly, every day. Take Christmas Day. There was the Semi-B, helping its readers. With a front-page article on how to open presents without injuring yourself. Do I smell a Pulitzer?
I have learned that this very special article is the beginning of a series, devoted to protecting whatever small group of people who are still reading the Semi-B. Future front-page reports will include:
–How to avoid wrist injuries while spreading margarine
–Putting on your socks and shoes can lead to serious back ailments
–Sneezing: It not only spreads germs, but did you know that sneezing kills 655 people (on the average) every year?
–The dangers involved in casual napping
The rest of us may be pinching pennies (Ow!), but there was Mr. Dlott, shelling out 50K to insure that the inauguration of our new President goes smoothly. Think of it as greasing the wheels. Or keeping the pools open.
Mr. Dlott will be attending the festivities, of course, and I expect the new President will ask him to personally bail out one of the flagging Wall Street investment firms. Or maybe a car company. It’s sort of like sponsoring one of those poor little kids overseas, only on the billion-dollar corporate level. Mr. Dlott will be happy to help.
Meanwhile, we hear that coyotes are on the prowl in the suburbs. Guess the news of the desperate economic conditions has finally spread to the animal kingdom. Soon we’ll all be eating our pets. And The Daily Semi-B can run helpful hints on how to prepare your faithful dogs and cats. “A Dummies Guide to Field-Dressing Spot.”
Time to honor my Person of the Year. As ever, it’s a tight race, and a close call, but I do believe that I’ll give the nod to former Ohio Attorney General Marc Dann. He managed to separate himself from a howling pack of worthy candidates. Congratulations!
Turns out we need more male teachers. And the way to attract them is to offer them more money. That’s what they say. Don’t say where that more money would come from. (Parking tickets?) Turns out the teachers who are making more money want to work in the more affluent schools. Duh. No child left behind? Tell me about it.
Faced with a tight budget, Sheriff Si has announced that he is temporarily releasing all prisoners from jail, and putting all deputies on unpaid leave. Painful, yes, but he had to do something to protect the bagpipers and the helicopter gunships.
Best to you all in the New Year, Cat-People. Meow!